Thursday, April 23, 2009

flashback: "snake operations"

Lenny’s note: I did not write this (although I wish I had).
Years ago, I received this as an e-mail, and modified it "slightly."
(okay, okay... it was slightly more than "slightly")

Anyway... if anyone knows the original author, please notify me so I can give him/her credit.
This (if you are, or ever were, in the military) is completely hilarious.
(note: This post is not Spiritually Scripted, so you can expect conventional punctuation/spelling throughout)

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
upon Encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (A.O.)

What follows (below) is how various branches/sections of the military might deal with a snake in the AO:

Armor: .Tank driver aims (and fires) at snake, but misses by several meters. ..Tank then runs over trees, vehicles, buildings, and everything else in the area of operations. ..Tanker laughs, then looks for more snakes.

Aviation: .Has Global Positioning Satellite with the exact coordinates to the snake. ..Can't find snake. ..Returns to base for refuel, crew-rest, manicures, and extended happy-hour.

Ranger: .Plays with snake, then eats it.

Infantry: .Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on (and kills) snake. ..Badly twists ankle, due to inept parachute landing fall (PLF). Receives an "Article 15" (along with reduction to the rank of "corporal") for "misuse of government property" (ankles).

Field Artillery: .Kills snake with massive Time-On-Target barrage, with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. ..Kills several hundred innocent civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. ..Mission is considered a success, and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics, maintenance personnel and D.A.C. clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: .Makes covert contact with snake. ..Ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning the snake's heart & mind. ..Trains snake to infiltrate extraneous, militant snake compounds & kill enemy snakes. ..Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: .Studies snake. ..Prepares obscure, in-depth, 563-page doctrinal thesis as
an incomprehensible, 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using available counter-mobility assets. ..Complains (to anyone who will listen) that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations.

"Waaaaaa, waaaaaaaa, waaaaaaaaaaa!!!!"

Navy SEAL: .Expends three days worth of ammunition in his first three minutes at the AO. ..Then calls for heavy naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. ..Snake bites SEAL, retreats to safety. ..Hollywood makes fantasy film in which Navy SEALS kill Religious-Extremist snakes using a variety of impossibly-acrobatic hand-to-hand combat techniques. ..Snake laughs while watching the film, telling war-stories and assuring his grandchildren that Hollywood is, quote: "Off its rocker!"

Navy: .Fires-off 50 cruise missiles (cost: $90,000 each) from various types of seafaring vessels...Badly injures several members of snake's family, angering the snake. ..Navy then makes flamboyant presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee as to how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection/elimination/management. ..The Senate approves trillions of dollars in additional Naval Warfare funding, but only after awarding itself a significant raise in annual salary (justified as "homeland security appropriation incentives"). ..Meanwhile, the global economy experiences a serious depression, which the government describes as a "short-term" recession.

Marine: Critically injures snake (by accident) while looking for souvenirs. ..Local civilians demand immediate removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: .Follows snake, using state-of-the-art (map & compass) technology. ..Gets lost.

Combat Controller: .Guides snake elsewhere.

France: surrenders

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial combat-encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life. Applies tourniquet.

Special Operations Aviation (“Nightstalker”): Conducts “Operation Black Snake” under cover of darkness, using exquisitely designed night-vision technology. ..Secretly transports a small unit of ultra-special-forces soldiers to within 50 meters of snake (within +/- 30 seconds of ETA). ..Procures the unlisted phone number of the snake’s girlfriend, and makes a date with her after leaving her a “very suggestive” telephonic message using a top-secret government “blackberry” while flying NOE (less than 50 ft. AGL) en route to a holding area. ..
...More to follow.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: .Receives emergency request for anti-snake equipment, then delivers a partial supply of useless anti-snake devices, two weeks after due-date.

F-16 pilot: .Determines location of snake. ..Drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, but misses target due to weather. ..Buzzes the air-traffic control tower upon return, yelling "whoooo-hoooooooooo!" over the "special use only" TACAN frequency. ..............."Talk, to me, mon-goose!"

AH-64 Apache pilot: .Unable to locate snake, because cold-blooded enemies don't reflect well on infra-red. ..Casually unleashes 16 "Hellfire Missiles" downrange (into the general vicinity of the snake), based upon sketchy reports that, uh... "snakes may or may not" have been sighted in the area.

Ka-BOOM! * *

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: .Finds snake (on seventh pass) after snake creates huge bonfire to mark the Landing Zone (LZ). ..Upon approach, the rotor-wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: .Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within three miles of target. ..Pilot smiles, sips coffee, requests update on anticipated "zulu-time" for subsequent target.

Missile crew: .Locates snake. .."Lays-in" target coordinates for snake (in under 15 seconds), but can't receive National Command Authority "
authorization to use force on snake" (for 15 hours).

Intelligence officer: .Snake? ..What snake? ..Only 14 of 37 indicators of snake activity are currently active. ..We assess the potential for enemy snake activity as extremely LOW.

Judge Advocate General (Military Lawyer): .Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

CH-47 Pilot: .Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equipment. ..Pilot immediately detaches slingload as an emergency procedure. ..Slingload lands on snake and kills it. ..Crew chief uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Jet Pilot: .While chugging a double, flaming-margarita with his right hand, uses left hand to drape snake around neck (at Tail Hook) as a means to pick-up hot chicks. ..Incredibly, the technique works like a charm! ..Years later, snake is interrogated as part on an ongoing investigation into alleged "questionable behavior" demonstrated by Naval Aviators. ..Snake answers all 53 questions with the same response:

"No confirm/no deny, sir."

Military Police: .Gives snake a sobriety test (for not moving in a straight line). ..Snake touches tail to nose (without incident), but fails test (can't recite the alphabet backwards)
. ..Snake's USAA membership is revoked by the Tampa office. ..Snake loses job, automobile, friends, self-esteem. ..Snake now lives under a bridge in Tallahassee, Florida, and carries a cardboard sign that reads, quote:
will slither for food.
God Bless, go 'noles!

Signal: .Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake operations, accidentally electrocutes snake in the process. Transmits immediate "situation report" (SITREP).

DAC (Department of the Army Civilian): .Just seconds after picking up a frantic telephone-call from desperate snake, recites the 107 reasons why she will not be able to assist the snake (or anyone else, for that matter) at this time. ..Then (abruptly) hangs-up on snake.

Corps of Engineers: .Surveys and researches area for plans on improving emergency flood-evacuation doctrine, but can’t develop the land because snake is on the endangered-species list.

Cooks: .Snake sneaks into chow hall, reluctantly eats dinner. ..Snake gasps, turns green, goes into toxic-shock, then dies.
..Cook uses dead snake to create “mystery stew” for next day’s chow.

Air Force: Angered by having to work past 1600 hours on a Friday, intimidates snake into doing several shots of Jagermeister (along with cheeze, krackers, and shriveled-up beanie weenies) at the Officer's Club. ..Snake suffers massive coronary, and must be air-lifted to the nearest military hospital for triple-bypass surgery.

Medical Corps: .Medical team prepares extraordinary OPPLAN with a primary mission to extend the snake's life, only to find that they operated on the wrong snake.


Army Chaplain: .Conducts funeral service for snake, which includes a 21-gun salute and flag-folding ceremony/presentation. ..Drinks heavily (with the snake's widow) for the next five days (or so) as part of the grief-management process.

* drawing of snake by l. martineau.

* * note: the combat engineer delivered a detailed, 5-page report to the brigade commander, citing the error in the blurb about the AH-64 pilot (above). ..combat engineer stated that
the word "ka-boom!" should be changed to "kaboom x 16," and cited the AH-64 pilot for numerous airspace-related violations.

unfortunately (for the combat engineer), before his report could be filed by the DAC, his tent (and her office) were mysteriously blown to smitherines by (what appeared to be) a hellfire missile. ..go figure.


* 4-25-09: so far, the best bet at the origin of this forwarded e-mail is:

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