Thursday, December 25, 2008

i saw mommie flip-off santa claus

caution: although this post contains no pictures, your mind may create graphic images that you'd rather not imagine.

as we've stated before, some stories are just too incredible to make up.


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mommie flipped-off santa

by s. hocked & a. mazed

mommie flipped-off santa
down on highway 1
she was driving, he was jogging/smiling (having fun)

she looked mean (at 50)
didn't say a word
he was waving (slowly), she was throwing him the bird


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over the past 4 days, i’ve waved at over 10, 000 people on beaches and crowded roadways – wearing a santa claus outfit.

out of those 10,000:

* 6,000 were drivers
* 3,500 were passengers
* 400 were on the beach
* 100 were either walking, standing or sitting along the roadway

of the 10,000 people who santa waved at, 9,999 were on cell phones. ..even babies were on cell phones. ..heck, at the beach, 97% of the seagulls were squawking on the cell.

of the 10,000… 9,700 smiled, while the other 300 were too busy (talking) to notice santa at all.

more data:

of the 6000 drivers, 5,972 either waved, or honked the horn, or both. ..of the 5,000+ drivers who waved, 97% waved with their cell phone, in order to keep their other hand on the wheel. ..the other 3% used the cell to snap santa’s photo.

of the 6000 drivers, 10% had blue-tooth technology. of those, 100% had the blue-tooth tucked-away in the glove compartment (not in use).

observations:

1. young kids love santa. ..when kids see santa in jogging mode, their eyes open wide and they instantly smile. ..then, their brain kicks into gear, and you can tell that they are wondering if the beard is real. ..kids who are over 4 years old quickly deduce that you aren’t santa (so you must be one of santa’s helpers).

2. teens love santa. ..teens are also the most likely to shout at santa. ..guy teens keep it simple, by yelling “santa!” while pumping their fists. ..girl teens make all kinds of comments, which are usually accompanied by laughter.

3. people in groups love santa. ..they tap each other on the shoulder, point, and laugh.

4. parent/child combinations go through a ritual: (a) parent recognizes santa, (b) parent taps kid on the shoulder and says “look! santa!, and (c) kid responds as in paragraph #1, above.

5. most adults love santa. ..when driving (solo), an adult will first do a double-take and then smile. ..if santa is waving, the adult driver will wave back, or honk the horn, or both. ...many of the santa-sighters told santa that they had (quote) been "really, reeeeeeally good," and more than a handful screamed comments about sitting on santa’s lap. ...no joke.

in the final analysis -- out of 10,000 people, 9,999 will either love santa or (at least) get a kick out of him…

…but then there’s this one lady…

here's the story:

while santa was jogging and waving on a very busy road in st. pete florida, santa noticed a woman (with an angry scowl) slowly driving in the opposite direction, in heavy traffic. ...this lady was by herself, and she was not in a good mood. ...she was wearing those b-52 glasses that kind-of form into little horn-like points on the upper, outside corners.

she was also fairly large, and could have easily whipped santa in a wrestling match.

if it were “hulk hogan santa,” he would submit after she gave him an elbow-smash, followed by an eye gouge, followed by a body-slam off of the top rope.

if it were “roberto duran santa,” he would have cried “no mas!”

if it were “george bush santa,” he would have yelled: “dick! ...send in the marines! ...get the air force bombers to turn her car (and the rest of this city) into a parking lot! ......then look for weapons of mass destruction! ...(…i just know that those w.m.d.’s are here, somewhere…)

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…sorry for the digression…
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anyway, this angry woman looked santa square in the beard… and then threw him the bird! ...again, i must repeat that this is not a joke. .

..the “bird” wasn’t a sparrow or a sandpiper, either. ...dudette kept her left hand on the steering wheel and used her whole right arm to flip a screaming eagle!

so…

at the present moment, santa is in therapy (trying to get in touch with his inner s-elf).

thank God that there are only 364 days ‘till next Christmas.






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3 comments:

  1. This is just the funniest blogs I have ever experienced. This is totally true. My kids sing the song "I saw mommy flicking Santa Claus" They made this up after Lenny experienced it. Funnier than heck. We have been very blessed to spend Christmas with two of the best friends I will ever have, Lenny and Jean. Thanks for being here, you are more like family then friends and I cannot think of anyone I would rather spend time with.

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  2. Obviously ,this lady must have had a very traumatic experience about Santa in her childhood,sounds like her dreams must have been shattered. well I know I am not good at math but does this come out to about 1 /10 of a 1%, that is not to bad . would be really great if the Santa Clause union could get together and show up at this lady's door to send her some much needed love , just imagine that ,and know in your heart how many other people you inspired by running in the santa outfit.love britta

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  3. Hi, Judy and Britta!

    It has been AWESOME (of course) to spend time with Willy, Judy, the girls (Kelly & Abby), & Jean.

    Yeah, hopefully my next "flipper" experience will express itself as "a dolphin, jumping out of the water."

    The Santa-mommie experience was one of the funniest things that I'd ever seen, but a little crazy, at the same time.

    In the final analysis, there's a lot of Happiness and optimism out there!

    Love,
    Lenny

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