Friday, October 24, 2008

please don't squeeze the shaman

.
alternative title: "you can help yourself"
.
warning: this post may contain information that is not suitable for young audiences. due to the mature nature of this post, it might be deleted at any time (especially if i'm being interviewed for a real job at some point in the future).

.
here we go...
.
this morning, beth, kim, rhonda and i went to see paw maw intha (father doctor intha), an old shaman who's been training and practicing shamanism since he was 7 (that's about 150 years ago).
.
he'd already done some pretty amazing diagnoses and healings for a several members of our group, and i thought to myself: who couldn't use a little healing nowadays?
.
our driver, gaeow (her name means "good") acted as the translator. ..she had never before met shaman intha.
.
when it was my turn to get shamanized, i walked through the doorway (which literally was a single sheet, hung sideways on a clothesline). ..i bowed to shaman intha, and placed my offering in a sliver bowl over by some sort of treatment table. .. gaeow then told me that i needed to remove my clothes, and i was happy when she held out a colorful (albeit small) piece of material to wrap around myself. ..i did not look up to see if they observed the disrobing/re-robing process.
.
once wrapped, shaman intha, through gaeow, told me to lie down on my stomach.
.
his diagnosis and treatment method consists of using an "herbal ball" with 37 different, hand-picked herbs in it. ..he steams the ball, and then rubs it all over your skin. ..the ball feels good, until it hits an area of dis-ease. .in theory, the ball will feel "hot" when the shaman moves it over an area of concern. ..in reality... it feels like a burning cattle-prod.
.
he rubbed it all over my back. ..it felt good. ..he said something in thai, and gaeow said that i was "very healthy." ..he then worked my arms and hands, and he found a very hot-spot on my hand. . he said something, and gaeow (through a combination of translation and interpretation), deduced that lenny "use computer too much, need to stretch hand."
.
meanwhile (through the curtain), the kim-beth-rhonda team asked if i wanted a picture. ..i said (quote) "no!" which means that the picture is probably for sale on e-bay as we speak.
.
on the back of my legs, shaman intha found a wicked hot-spot on my left, medial gastrocnemius (where i already knew that i have some kind of bone spur). .. he wasn't palpating, just moving the herbal ball around. .truth is, i've been jogging in sandals, and my calves are tight as hell...
.

how did he know??????.
.
gaeow then asked if i exercise, and she translated that: lenny (quote) "need to warm leg before swimming."
.
after flipping me over (supine), he worked my chest, which is (according to gaeow), "very healthy." ..he then worked my abdomen, and when he got to a spot on my left anterior superior iliac spine, the ball felt like a hot coal shooting into my hip (ouch!).
.
shaman intha said something to gaeow, who began to giggle uncontrollably.
.
so.................... i'm on a table, outdoors, half-naked, somewhere in the outback woods of chaing mai, with a 157 year-old shaman, a good driver, and an herbal ball. ..every time he moves the ball over my hip, three things happen:
.
1. shooting pain,
2. shaman intha says something to gaeow,
3. gaeow giggles and laughs, too embarrassed to look me in the eye
.
finally, i asked gaeow what was going on, and (you cannot make these things up) she asked me straight-up: "when last time you have sex?"
.
although i was a bit confused, we were able to exchange enough information for gaeow to deduce that (according to the shaman) i have a condition similar to that of many thailand monks. ..gaeow couldn't explain it to me, but she found the time (between giggles) to look it up in her thai-english dictionary. ..gaeow laughed as she handed me the book, as her finger pointed to the word "testicle."
.
the shaman told gaeow that i needed to "release" (if you catch my drift). ..allow me to repeat: dude prescribed sex.
.
gaeow then asked the standard question: "do you have girlfriend?" and by now she and the shaman were both laughing. ..she was hiding her blushes with her hand, while he was making hand and arm movements from his waist, outward (kind of like a lower-body explosion).
.
then, gaeow broke out with this line, translated directly from shaman intha. ..she said, and i quote:
.
"if you no have girl, you can help yourself."
.
that's all i have to say about that.
.
ps: the reason why i know that i did not dream this up is that beth, kim and rhonda were on the other side of the sheet that separated the treatment area from the waiting area -- and were privy to both the diagnosis and prescription.
.
conclusion: when it comes to prescriptions, the american medical system could benefit from putting the squeeze on the shaman.
_________________________________
.
all kidding aside, shaman intha is an incredible healer who has helped many. .. thank you shaman intha!

4 comments:

  1. OKay, Bro...you're killin' me, here.

    As I'm sure you are aware, the 'rents ask me regularly for detailed accounts of your blogging.

    How in the world am I supposed to explain THIS post to MOM????

    YIKES!!!!!

    xoxoxo, me

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know, Clare, it's pretty bizzare.
    .
    The good news is that mom can be proud that she's got a monk in the family.
    .
    I'll probably delete this post soon, and then I'll deny, deny, deny the whole story for the rest of my life.
    .
    When I get home, you and I can chat about the other stories that are too out-of-this-world to even post! :)
    .
    Tell everyone that I Love 'em!
    .
    Love,
    Lenny

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Lenny,

    I laughed until I cried! You have such an awesome way of relating a story that makes your audience feel like we're there w/ you! Thanks for the laughs!

    Love,
    C.......

    ReplyDelete
  4. C, (Is that Cat or Claudia/Claude or Clare or Cuddles or...)
    .
    Wait. I don't know anyone named "Cuddles."
    .
    Anywaaaaaay...
    .
    Yeah, THAT was a fun one to write. At first, I never thought I'd post it (most stuff never makes it to the e-universe).
    .
    When you are laughing WHILE you are writing, you've just GOT to share. I'm glad you liked it!!!!
    .
    Love,
    Len

    ReplyDelete